


today i drove through the suburbs

by cyclothimic



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Car Accidents, Driving, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Canon, Romance, i am granting you, it is that drivers license fic, yes - Freeform, you can thank olivia rodrigo for being a genius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyclothimic/pseuds/cyclothimic
Summary: "You screwed up, Kara. Every one of you did. Don't blame her for doing what she needs for herself.""I'll never blame her. She just – she promised me forever, and now I'm up here. Alone."-or Lena's taking a break from National City, and Kara keeps getting into car crashes. | drivers license
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Minor Samantha "Sam" Arias/Alex Danvers - Relationship, Samantha "Sam" Arias & Kara Danvers, Samantha "Sam" Arias & Lena Luthor
Comments: 20
Kudos: 346





	today i drove through the suburbs

**Author's Note:**

> yes, it is the drivers license fic.
> 
> if you follow me on twitter, you'd know that i've been on this for more than a week, and i'm glad that it's finally done. so here you go, a fuck ton of angst with some sort of a happy ending.
> 
> now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

_I know we weren't perfect, but I've never felt this way for no one._

_And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone._

_-Olivia Rodrigo, drivers license_

* * *

This city was loved. This city was loud and tall. This city consisted of people who were loved. This city had never been so dull.

Despite all the undeserved hate and vitriol, Lena Luthor's appearance had invigorated National City. Technological advancements, various philanthropic acts, and numerous times of selflessly drying up resources to save it had National City on the international map, generating revenues and placing everything in perspective.

But it wasn't just that. It was the way she inspired Supergirl to do more than she had been. It was the partnership she established with the Kryptonian, one unheard of amidst all the superhero partnerships across the world. A Luthor and a Super, the idea of it still took everyone aback.

And then there were Lena and Kara. Best friends in all senses of the word, but also not really. There was a line that the two of them had been hovering behind in the course of their friendship, both a little too scared over past experiences to cross them and meet each other in the middle. More than friends, less than friends – whatever they were, they were never _just_ friends.

"I can't stay."

"Yes, you can."

"No, because you still lied to me, and I know I did things too – I know that, and I _am_ sorry for that. But it was five years of friendship and you didn't even hesitate in squandering it all the moment we met."

The Kryptonian hadn't a clue as to how she could change that. How she could prove to Lena that she meant all the apologies and all the tears that she had shed in the face of the disastrous end of their not-friendship. She couldn't, so she could only watch Lena go.

Kara didn't know if she would ever be brave enough to be the first to cross the line. However, she knew for sure now that the line was gone and she would never have a chance at crossing any lines with Lena.

There was no line to cross if there was no Lena.

* * *

Where did Lena go? Kara would say she didn't know, but Lena couldn't have gone far because L-Corp was thriving and the public rhetoric had been spinning more and more positive in Lena's favor. And yet, it would seem like the CEO had vanished into thin air, no more public appearances where she would be held at gunpoint, no more media statements that CatCo would always get firsthand.

Where did Lena go? Kara would say she didn't know, but she wouldn't be proud to admit that she'd been taking detours around the world during her patrols, keeping her ears out for the woman's heartbeat. Or that she'd been eavesdropping on conversations between Alex and Sam, filtering out all the lovey-dovey details just to locate hints of Lena's whereabouts.

Where did Lena go? Kara would say she didn't know, but she'd reckon that the woman had gone somewhere far away from the Kryptonian. Lena had always been good at running away, even though she also had a knack for staying behind when the situation really called for it.

* * *

"Are you fucking _insane_?"

"I'm fine, Alex."

"No, you're not fucking _fine_ , you utter lunatic."

"No need to be mean."

"No need to be – you're lucky Sam's around!"

"I could have handled it."

"You could have driven over a fucking cliff, Kara!"

The aforementioned car – the one that Kara had randomly rented from car rental provider that she'd just happened to pass by this after noon – was done for. It wasn't hard to tell, judging by the bottom that had been completely dented when Sam had raced over to catch it before Kara could actually drive it over a cliff.

Kara's bank account definitely couldn't handle the loss. There would perhaps even be a court case waiting for her, reckless driving and all that. Her driving license would be revoked. If not, Alex may confiscate it forever, forbidding Kara from ever getting behind a wheel again. Until the day she died, which would be a long way to go.

To be honest, a small part of Kara would have preferred that over the non-life she was carrying on now.

She didn't care about the insufficient funds in her bank account or the potential court case. The ramifications were very far away from her priorities right now. Everything would be fine, forgotten, blurry, as long as she'd glugged at least a tumbler of Aldebaran rum to get things going.

"Look, I'll handle the car," Sam reluctantly voiced out when it was clear that Alex was done yelling and Kara wasn't going to retort. "It's gonna be fine." Alex snapped around, directing her glare at her girlfriend. Sam shrunk away, because an Alex Danvers glare was never fun. "I'll deal with it, okay? Just get your sister home safe," Sam whispered, touching Alex's shoulder.

"Nothing is safe with her in this state," Alex grumbled, touching Sam's hand on her shoulder nevertheless.

Kara rolled her eyes and made her way to the cliff that she never had the chance to drive over. Sitting down, her legs dangled over the edge. One strong swift and she would be plummet off, but she would still make it. Without Kryptonite, Kryptonians always made it.

Clenching and unclenching her fingers, she forced herself to stay there and not fly away for another tumbler – hell, another bottle of Aldebaran rum. It had become some sort of a coping mechanism, the drinking and the ignorance of her duties. She was pretty sure that her relationship with L-Corp was the only thing that was keeping Andrea from firing her.

Rao, she wanted another drink so badly. Her brain was starting to clear up now and she could hear everything in the forest underneath. Owls and crickets. Predators growling and pouncing. It was all so loud and everything she didn't want to hear. She only wanted to hear one thing and she couldn't find it.

Behind her, the car was being lifted off, followed by the distinct whoosh of Sam flying away. Alex's heartbeat remained though, pounding and angry.

Kara listened to her sister, sighing and cursing under her breath. Alex was pacing, probably in perfect squares, because that was what she did when she was frustrated. No one paced in squares, but the redhead somehow found away to pace a perfect one. Then Alex sighed again, cursed again, and strode towards Kara, sitting beside her, legs dangling over the edge as well.

"How is she?" the blonde asked, gazing at a crescent moon.

"Who?"

"You know who."

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific, Kara," Alex said, not relenting, clearly still unhappy. "We know a lot of she's."

Kara closed her eyes. She could have just given up and flown off. Go home or go back to the bar that had led to all the bad decisions that came after. " _Lena_ ," she pronounced carefully, curling her fingers into a fist on her thigh. She wanted to know.

"I don't know." What? Kara lifted her eyes to her sister, who had a solemn look on her face and a bitter smile on her lips. "You're not the only one who has something to make up for, Kara," Alex proffered with a shrug. "I lied to her too. We all did," she added.

Kara was undoubtedly disappointed to hear that she wouldn't be getting anything from Alex. But she was also glad. She had been disloyal to Lena for years. All of them had, as Alex put it. At least Lena had one more loyal friend left, and for that, Kara was all the more grateful to Sam Arias.

* * *

She saw Lena sometimes. Not the real Lena. Just something she'd conjured up, a hallucination, a hologram that her brain had made up in a moment of desperation and never gave up on.

Drunk or sober. Lena was sometimes there, just standing in her peripheral version. Sometimes, Lena was angry, a scowl on her face and tears running down her cheeks, much like when they had confronted one another at the Fortress. Sometimes, Lena was the Lena that belonged to Kara, the soft and gentle one with the crow's feet at the corners of her eyes.

More often than not, she saw Lena when she was sober, go figure. And she didn't want to, because this Lena wasn't real, and she wanted the _real_ Lena. The angry and passionate and down to earth Lena who just wanted to save the world. So she turned to drinking, which seemed to be the only way to drown out her overactive imaginations.

It was why she had almost driven off a cliff the other night. Her brain had started to clear up as she drove with the wind beating into her skin. And suddenly, she saw Lena, standing in the middle of the road like a ghost. Kara _swerved_ , because of course she did. Hallucination or not, she didn't ever wanna hurt Lena. Not again. She saw it coming – the cliff – and she expected to plunge off it, until Sam rushed over and picked the car up.

She saw Lena sometimes. And it was horrible. It was pathetically horrible.

* * *

L-Corp was one of the tallest buildings in the city. Clear view of what was going on below. Uninhibited access to the dark blue sky, dotted with dying meteorites. Once upon a time, Cat Grant had heaved an uncharacteristic curse at the knowledge of Lena Luthor having snatched it up before she could.

Kara had stopped saving the city. It wasn't worth saving anymore. Or, to put it more accurately, she no longer had the shoulders to carry it alone anymore. The weight of having lost Lena had pressed her down completely, face down on the floor with no way of getting up.

She went back to work. Wrote puff pieces. Snapper had given up on pushing her. The entire office was giving her a wide berth after she had yelled at an intern for touching the pressed flower on Kara's desk, a petal from the massive bouquets Lena had once filled up her office with. She went back home, ate potstickers, watched some TV, and flew to L-Corp's roof.

It was a routine. At least she no longer drank. She may be selfish, but she'd made her sister a promise that night of the car accident, and she wasn't going to break it.

The door to roof swung open, creaking along its way. Footsteps padded across the roof to her side. And then there was a sigh. Sam joined her, sitting cross-legged on the rooftop and looking out at the city that she'd taken over to save. National City had Superwoman; it didn't need Supergirl anymore. At least that was the excuse Kara used now.

"Trespassing now?" Sam accused, though not maliciously.

Kara shrugged. "Tell me to go and I'll go."

"Nah." Sam rested her hands behind her and leaned back. "This is nice," she commented after a few moments of silence. Kara hummed in agreement. "It's also getting out of hands, Kara."

"Tell me to go and I'll go."

Sam exhaled deeply. Stark disappointment was clear across her expression. "This city needs you."

"It has you."

"Kara, I have a kid waiting for me at home. This company isn't going to run itself either." Well, okay. It wasn't a lot, but it told Kara something. Lena had taken her hands off of the company and handed it to Sam, off doing Rao-knew-what in Rao-knew-where. "Superwoman is temporary," Sam said.

"Where is she?" Kara asked, because she wanted to know. She _needed_ to know.

"Can't tell you that."

"How is she?"

"Can't tell you that either."

"You're killing me."

"You can't die."

"No, you don't understand," Kara said, louder this time. She turned to look at Sam, so the woman could see her bloodshot eyes and the paleness of her skin and the hollowness of her cheeks – things she saw in the mirror every morning. "No, you're right. _You_ are not killing me. _She_ is killing me. Do you understand that?" She breathed through her nose noisily. "I – we _promised_ each other, right? We promised each other that we'd be there no matter what. We – _I_ promised her that I'll always protect her, no matter what. And she's not here. I don't know where she is. I can't protect her if I can't see her, right? I can't. And a world without her is a world that I _can't_ live in."

"She doesn't need your protection."

"Bullshit, she doesn't need my protection," Kara seethed. That was another thing. She'd been sad and she'd been _angry_ , because how dare Lena think she could leave her behind like this. "The woman's practically a walking target. Everywhere she goes, there's a big red X on her back just waiting for someone to get her. I need to – _where_ is she?"

Sam looked away, licking her lips. Kara could tell that she wanted to tell Kara. She wanted to stop keeping all these secrets and make everyone's life easier. But she's also a loyal friend, to the ends of the earth. Lena didn't have a lot of loyal friends; she needed at least one and Sam would be that for her.

Kara knew all these because she'd overheard this particular conversation between Sam and Alex before. It was one of their biggest fights since Sam came back into town. Kara had sat on the L-Corp rooftop and listened to them fight, regretting having ever played a part in it.

She gestured around them and said, "We used to sit here, you know. Late at night. After work." She pointed at a concrete block a few yards away. "She would sit on that and I'd sit on the ground. And we talked. We talked about so many things."

She gazed at it. Sober.

And there Lena was, sitting cross legged on the concrete block. Her face was half illuminated from the moonlight, half shaded from the darkness.

Kara had never said it out loud before, not to anyone, but Lena was at her most striking under the moonlight. Like the universe had no idea how to portray this magnificent human being that it had accidentally created from an affair. Regal and charming and a smile so sublime that it would make everyone selfish enough to want to keep it to themselves.

In the air, if she focused hard enough, she could hear it. The velvety voice that would echo across spaces and penetrate all things impure. The unbridled laughter, unbound from responsibilities and guilt. Kara could hear and see her, and what was left of her heart clenched. Lena disappearing was killing her, and Lena didn't know it.

"Lena is safe. I will keep her safe. Superwoman may be temporary, but Lena is my best friend. I will never hang her out to dry," Sam declared.

"She used to be _my_ best friend," Kara muttered.

The brunette scoffed and shook her head, incredulity overtaking her face. "You two have _never_ been best friends. Sure, there were Mon-El and James and Jack and I don't know who else, but they're just…stops in a train station. You two are…" Sam drifted off, her smile dimming. "Well, you two used to be destinations." Kara closed her eyes. "You screwed up, Kara. Every one of you did. Don't blame her for doing what she needs for herself."

"I'll _never_ blame her," Kara retorted vehemently, squeezing her eyes shut. "She just – she promised me forever, and now I'm up here. Alone."

After a moment of hesitation, Sam ended up climbing to her feet, brushing dust off her slacks. She had a daughter to go home to, and a girlfriend waiting for her.

"I'm not gonna stop you from coming here. As long as I'm around, consider this yours," Sam announced, motioning generally around them. "But this city needs you. Forever is a long time, especially for the two of us. While you wait, you might as well do something good."

Sam didn't bother going back through the door she came out of. She just lifted and flew off, leaving Kara on the roof. Alone, as she always was.

* * *

"Would you do it again?"

"What?"

"Knowing me?"

"Yes."

"Even when you know that I'll lie to you for years? Break your heart?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you're Kara Danvers. And it seems impossible for Lena Luthor to stay out of your orbit."

* * *

Sam was right. National City needed her. The Superwoman excuse no longer worked, not after she constantly heard a barrage of sirens and screams all over, no matter where she flew.

Sam was right, but that didn't mean Kara listened.

No, she did not. Instead, she went stupid. Yes, people could be stupid when they were sober, and Kara included herself among those people. She knew that because she'd passed by another car rental and stopped short at the sight of all those cars. Clean, well-maintained, just sitting there gathering dust, waiting for someone take them out for a spin.

She didn't really know the motivation behind her stepping inside the compound; she never did. But ten minutes later, she'd paid the deposit and showed her driving license, neither revoked by the government nor confiscated by Alex, and then she was driving a standard sedan down the street.

Then the freeway. No idea where she was heading, but a sign did mention she was heading to Central City.

And really, she should have expected it. It happened last time and it would happen this time. No forest though; it was the freeway. Just in the middle of the freeway, there she was. Lena, raven locks flowing over her shoulders and _smiling_. It was in these moments that Kara regretted that she'd stopped drinking.

She _swerved_ , and bam. The bumper had crashed into the barrier. Kryptonian qualities aside, her chest had hurt from being shoved into the wheel. Given that it was a fairly cheap and old car, the airbags either didn't work or there was no airbag at all, which only made it worse.

As expected, Sam swooped in, dressed only in simple hoodie and sweatpants. She studied the scene before her, and Kara could see the near annoyance that was reflected on her expression. The brunette clenched her jaw, shaking her head, and flew up again after holding up one finger in Kara's direction, as if that meant anything.

Five minutes later, Lena was…standing in front of her. The car was gone. Just Lena and Kara and an empty freeway.

"Oh, this is great," Kara scoffed, tearing her hair out of her ponytail in a frustrated move and turning around, facing the other side of the road. "Get out of my head," she groaned aloud, squeezing her eyes shut.

"What?"

"Rao, this is unbelievable."

"I can't –" Kara wanted to stop seeing Lena, but she also _wanted_ to see Lena, because how else could she see the woman nowadays except as an illusion? She swung around, so violently that part of the barrier dented when she crashed into it. She grabbed onto the barrier, denting it even more. " _Get. Out. Of. My. Head_ ," she bit out with a tight jaw. Lena frowned. "You're gone. I get it. Stop appearing out of nowhere and getting me into car crashes. I can't afford them and I can't afford _you_."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Lena demanded, taking a few steps closer.

Kara only staggered back, completely destroying the barrier, and stumbled to the other side of the road, where the cars would be coming from an opposite direction. "Don't," she growled. "I didn't tell you who I am because I was afraid of losing you. And I ended up losing you anyway. And now you're gone, and I keep seeing you _everywhere_."

"Kara, listen to me."

"I've been trying! I've been listening for your heartbeat every fucking day, but you're not there."

"Hey."

"I know, okay? I know I don't deserve peace for what I've done to you. But for one day, one _moment_ , I just want to not be reminded that I've lost the _one_ good thing in my life."

"Jesus Christ, would you just listen to me?"

"But you also promised. You _promised_ that you'd be there. I lied to you, but you lied to me too! Isn't that enough? I've got a taste of my own poison. Why isn't that enough?"

"Oh, come on. _Kara_." At that moment, the blonde froze in her anguished ramblings, finally noticing that Lena was directly in front of her now, their faces only inches apart. The other woman had her hands firmly grasping Kara's biceps, gently shaking her. " _Listen. To. Me_ ," Lena whispered vehemently, teeth showing and temples throbbing.

The furrow at the bridge of Kara's nose only deepened at the harsh instruction. She opened her mouth, but her ears honed in. Tuning out all the extra noises that occasional cars made and crickets were emitting. Evading the particles that rubbed and collided against one another, squeaking ever so lightly to the hearing of a Kryptonian.

She closed her eyes and she honed in.

 _Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump_.

Fresh red blood going and going like a set of well-schedule trains on a Japanese railway. Inhalations and exhalations, carrying with them a familiar tone that could lull a Kryptonian to sleep. Steady and memorable. All things that Kara had been looking for in the past six months.

An inadvertent gasp swept past her throat as her heart skipped quite a few beats alongside the steady beat of the woman in front of her. A very real and very present Lena Luthor, who was looking her dead in the eyes as if that was the only way to convince Kara of reality.

"You're here," she said, dumbfounded.

Lena dipped her chin ever so slightly. "Yes." She tightened her grasp on Kara's biceps. "I'm here. I'm back. Alright, Kara?"

Kara shrugged off Lena's grip and gingerly raised her hands, a shine of trembles across her appendages as they hovered over alabaster skin. She licked her lips, because even in the dark, she could see the flecks of unrecognizable color lingering in the green of Lena's eyes. She could smell the perfume that wafted dominantly.

"You gotta stop getting into car crashes. I'm not sure Sam's willing to put any more on L-Corp's expense account," Lena joked with a wry smirk.

Kara's eyes fluttered and she couldn't help but leaned forward to rest their foreheads together, though her palms still lingered, not touching skin. Velvet dulcet washed over her like a wave of warm sea water, steadying her thoughts that had been chaotic since the day she could no longer hear it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered thickly. "I'm so sorry."

"I know."

"You're back."

"Yes."

"I don't think I'll ever wanna take my eyes off of you ever again."

Lena's smirk gentled into a smile. "Good. Good," she murmured. "I forgive you, Kara. I forgive you." Kara could only frown against Lena's skin, unwilling to move away, not really understanding. "And I'm sorry too. You're right. As much you lied to me, I lied to you too." Kara shook her head in disagreement, but Lena was steadfast. "If we wanna move forward, Kara, we gotta forgive each other – I understand that now."

It took a few long and dragged-out moments for it all to sink in, but Kara finally understood and nodded in agreement. "Okay, I forgive you too," she voiced easily, as easy as pulling in air and letting them out. Easy as loving Lena. "Rao, Lena, I'm so tired," she finally confessed, pushing away the weight that had been weighing down on her and relaxed against Lena, who readily caught her by wrapping her arms around her torso.

"It's okay. I'm here," Lena promised and sighed when Kara wrapped her own arms around her.

There was no kiss. No promises. No confessions of love and adoration. They just stood there in one another's arms, as tight as possible, because it had been _forever_.

And yet, this was good enough. Lena was back. Kara could feel her physically, in touching distance. The rest could come later – Kara had a feeling that there would be a lot to come, but she also had a feeling that this was a good step. A great step. Better future. A future with Lena in her life. For now, this would suffice.

**Author's Note:**

> ask and ye shall receive! hope you all enjoyed it as much i enjoyed writing it. then again, i always enjoy writing angst.
> 
> oh, and if you're still interested in seeing my work, maybe have a [gander here](https://cyclothimic.tumblr.com/post/611650626423816192/a-struggling-writers-tale), because i can use all the help i can get, or you can catch me at [embettah](https://twitter.com/embettah) on twitter.


End file.
